I think I won the penis lottery.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
