not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
