Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
