I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
