the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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