Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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