i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
