Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
