i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
