My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
