woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
