You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I understand Curling. That high.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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