did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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