Can Purell be used as lube?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
