I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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