I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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