i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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