there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
