I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
