are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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