sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
