So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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