and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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