I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
