Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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