So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
