I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
