Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
