Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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