My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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