it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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