did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
