I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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