Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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