I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Bring me that man meat
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
