either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
