And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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