The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
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I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
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it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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