Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
