Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
