White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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