Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
