he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
