a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
