What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
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the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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