Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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