he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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