whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
