Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
