OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
