bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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