someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
