saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
