so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
