Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
