It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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