i wish my penis had a tongue
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
