My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Barsexuality is the new black.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
