I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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