Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
