You were right. It hurts to walk today.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
