How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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